maanantai 30. toukokuuta 2011

I decided to post a little poem in my own mother tongue, Finnish. I do write both in Finnish and in English, depends on the mood and what I try to express. See, I've been studying in English for two years now so all my academic vocabulary and fine writing as well as self-expresion has evolved in English while my finnish language has roughened.. Some things I better express in Finnish and some better in English and so it goes and it shows in my texts. Here I stand, lost between two very dear languages but I'll try for me - to keep myself sane and to shape my feelings into words - and for you to hopefully find some sane structures from the insanity I might reveal and also to get comfort from the similarities to something you might have gone through or just to notice someone's patetic in their own life, too. Oh, or maybe just out of curiousity, too. I'll approve all that :) And here goes the poem I wrote:

Pakenen elämää kauniisiin lauluihin,
Tukahdun maailman suruihin.
Hengitän raskasta ilmaa,
Jonka taakkana on koko avaruus,
Jonka saasteena on koko ilmakehän paine,
Ja taas pakenen lapsiasentoon.
Pelkoni omaleimaisuus,
Joka painaa minua maata vasten.
En halua kuulla,
En tietää.
En valheita,
Ja velä vähemmän totuuksia.
Hulluksi kutsuvat;
Joka pajun kasvua kavahtaa.

To story of creating this is simple. I am from an ok-wealthy, beyond-averige family and I haven't gone through poverty of any kind, parents' divorce or anything like that, which seem to be the norm or just very common these days. Not saying I'm a spoiled brat here, no way (I've been working since I was thirteen and never getting all the things I have asked for), but rather to confess a little thing about myself; I was raised in veryveryvery stable and loving family that would support me anyhow with anything; money, grief etc.

But the thing is when I hear these disconsolate true stories from people that are close to me (such as parents cheating each other leading to a crisis and then divorce, the other one left broken-hearted and the child in between two homes..) I get the feeling of fear and gratitude. Fear of the things that are so common but to me so distant. And gratitude then, from all the things I've got (I seriously think that the best gift I've ever got from my parents is that they are together, they love each other and that they love me) and haven't got.

And when I have these moments of fear, I allow myself to be the child who hasn't gone through any of the stories I hear but still getting spooked by them and wanting hide from such truths. I have my own portion of misfortune, grief and my own problems I struggle with every day.

Any ways, good night for now :)

1 kommentti:

  1. Very thought provoking, I wonder how different my life would be if my parents had stayed together